You can't read every book in the library

When I was in junior high, I thought a lot about collections of written material. Libraries. Dictionaries. Encyclopedias. The thing that struck me about them (although I don't know if I could have put it into words at the time) was that we were only meant to access whatever tiny portion of that information happened to be of interest at the time. Not only were we not meant to access all the material available, it simply wasn't possible. After making my way three or four cards into the "A" drawer of the card catalog, it became obvious that I could not read every book in the school library. And I was in a rural school with a tiny library. I've seen bedrooms bigger than this library, and even that library's material would be a challenge to read in one lifetime! Especially if you wanted to do anything with your life other than read books.

But what if your interest were simply to learn or experience something new? What portion would you access then? You could just start at the "beginning" and work your way forward from there. Dictionaries, encyclopedias, and works of fiction in the library were alphabetized, while nonfiction in the library was organized according to the Dewey decimal system. But I realized that "social sciences, sociology, and anthropology" isn't necessarily more important to know about than "earth sciences;" they just happen to have different Dewey decimal numbers. Reading a book by Thomas Hardy isn't necessarily a more interesting experience than reading one by Michel Tournier; the authors just happen to have different last names.

It had come to my attention that some people had compiled lists of potentially interesting material. The big one for young people at the time was the list of Newbery Medal recipients. But, I realized, the people compiling those lists couldn't have read every book in the world, either. In the case of the Newbery Medal, they couldn't even have read every work of fiction for young people. So why should I confine my exploration to the books the list-makers had already read?

Currently reading: How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan; anything I can get my hands on about the workings of the hypothalamus, especially how it interacts with the immune system

Currently making: Tom Baker Doctor Who scarves

Next post: Friday, 1 March 2019

Interrupted songs

I love to sing. I never received or pursued enough training to be really good at it - and I've never been comfortable enough with own physical presence to be a truly good performer of any kind - but I do have enough raw talent to be a very happy amateur. But unless I'm completely alone when I sing, actually finishing a song is a rare treat. It's very common for people to talk in the middle of my singing, and they often say things that I feel deserve some kind of response or acknowledgement.

Maybe I just choose bad times to sing, I thought to myself. So I would look for moments when no one had said anything for minutes at a time, start a song, and sure enough, someone would say something.

For a long time, this felt a little insulting. Are my songs really so inconsequential that people feel they can just burst in on them like that? Is what other people have to say always more important than what I have to sing? But lately I've been wondering if that's not
the way to look at it. Maybe my singing inspires thoughts worth sharing. Maybe my singing makes people feel safe enough to share their thoughts.

Currently making: blanket made of leftover yarn

Next post: Sunday, 17 February, 2019

Desire and knowledge

I have made a few attempts at writing (for a potential audience) before now. It always ends with the asshole voice in my head asking questions like, "What do you really hope to accomplish here?" or "Who really cares, anyway?" I don't want this attempt to end that way, but those uncomfortable questions haven't stopped.

A few days ago, a question popped into my head: "What do you wish more people knew about you?" I'm not sure where it came from, but it's a question I'd like to ask more people more often. I think it could reveal some interesting things about them. It doesn't exactly reveal a truth, because what we want people to know doesn't always correlate to what is true. But it doesn't exactly reveal a wish, because wanting people to know something suggests that it already has some connection to reality.

I asked my husband this question, and I was pleased to find out that what he wishes more people knew about him, I did know. But then I decided to try that question out on myself. It's something I'd never thought about before, and I realized something interesting, and a little sad. The thing I wish more people knew about me is something that I don't think anybody knows. Some people know parts of it, but I don't think anyone knows the whole thing.

Now this attempt at writing has an advantage over the others. This time I know that there is something I want known. If I never figure out how to state it explicitly, maybe I can surround it in a border of expression and eventually imply it.

And if any of you ever want to tell me what you wish more people knew about you, I will listen.

Currently reading about: metabolic stress

Currently making: Tom Baker Doctor Who scarves

Next post: Saturday, 9 February, 2019